Big changes?

Ok, you know that saying about not making any big changes after the death of a loved one?  Um, I think I blew that one right out of the water.  As some may already know, my Mom passed away in May.  I was her primary care giver during the last few months of her life - a situation neither she nor I were very happy about.  My Mom was extremely independent.  Did I say extremely, I meant EXTREMELY independent!  She didn't want anyone to take care of her because she felt she could do it herself, and she absolutely could do it herself, it's just that her mind was not co-operating towards the end.  I wasn't too happy about the arrangement either because she wasn't happy about moving out of her home - anyway difficult situation all around.  All those of you that have BTDT know the feeling; immense guilt on my part because she was unhappy, but I knew I had to move her anyway, and anger and frustration on her part because she knew in spite of her complete determination to be healthy, that she wasn't mentally healthy anymore.  Sad situation.  Anyway, so she was doing okay one day and gone the next, and I still can't believe she's gone.  She was always so strong!!  So, still feeling a little in shock, but realizing that she really is in a better place.  Our last conversation surrounded our adoption of Cara and Breanna.  Funny because I rarely spoke with her about anything that was really important to me towards the end because she just couldn't wrap her mind around it - I just didn't want to explain it 20 times or more.  But the night before she died she was awake (sort of) and I was with her at the hospital in the middle of the night.  I had no idea it was her last 48 hours, I thought it was just a mometary set back.  But, she couldn't talk to me because she was on an oxygen tube and seemed to be drifting in/out of consciousness.  I wanted to let her know I was there and was running out of things to say, so I started speaking from my heart. I told her all about Cara and Breanna, I told her all about my troubles , I told her I was scared.  I told her because I thought she couldn't hear me, thinking she could just hear the sound of my voice and she would know someone was there.  About an hour later she indicated she wanted the oxygen tube out - NOW!  (that's my Mom!)  So I found a nurse, pulled the doctor in and got her to agree to take the tube out so my Mom could talk.  When she got the tube out she started asking questions - oh boy - that twenty question inquistion I was trying to avoid!  She asked me what was it about that blonde-haired doctor that I was talking about?  Now, no where in my conversation did I ever mention any blonde-haired doctor - so I'm looking around trying to figure out what she's talking about and thinking she was babbling a little.  At which point she launched into a pretty detailed recital of what I had just told her while I thought she was out of it about my situation at work and we actually had the most amazing conversation.  A conversation of give and take - sensical questions with pertinent detail and a knowledge of me and my personality that spanned decades.  Man, she was in the zone! Then the doctor came in and told me she had to go for an MRI and as she left my Mom raised her arm up to wave goodbye to me and said, "don't worry Lyn, you did the right thing, it will all be okay."  When my Mom came back from the MRI she was really tired and they had to put the tube back in because she wasn't breathing well. She lasped into a coma and I never spoke with her again.  She passed away the next night.  I remember getting home that morning before she passed (still not knowing she was terminal) and telling my husband what an amazing conversation we had.  And then I went to work.

I know I'm lucky, I was given a gift. I got to connect once more with an individual who was a huge part of my life, but who, for the last twenty years, I barely knew. To say we had a tumultuous relationship is sorta like saying the Great Wall of China is long - a huge understatement (my daughter's analogy).  She was strong-willed and I was not always obedient!  So we butted heads time and again as we struggled to assert ourselves.  But we always did care about each other.

I start my new job shortly and I believe she was right - it will all be okay.  And I did the right thing.  

So, what changes have I done since she died?  Well, I quit my job of 23 years.  We're adopting two sweet children from China.  I got a new job.  And I've got that other big project going on that should be settled in the next few weeks (top secret, sorry).  So, that saying about not making any big changes after a death?  Umm, oops.  It'll all be okay.